Carter hit his half birthday. 6 whole months he’s been enriching our days. 6 months of falling so deeply in love with this new man in my life. But after 6 months I still have one question…..
HOW HAS IT ALREADY BEEN 6 FREAKING MONTHS!??!
He was born like 2 months ago, I SWEAR. It’s literally scaring me how fast time is flying with him. I feel like I don’t have enough pictures or videos. I’m not inhaling his scent enough. I’m not memorizing the rolls on his legs. It’s happening too fast for my brain to keep up. I feel like I’m losing at chances of gaining nostalgia. I just want a few days where I can lay in a bed with him and stare at him and study every sound he makes, every way he moves his body, the feeling of his weight in my arms. Those are the things that change so quickly that you don’t even realize when they are gone.
Carter has been a joy to have in our family. He has this quiet power inside him. He’s so easy and calm that many of times you don’t even notice him in the room. But when I put him to bed at night and shut the door – I immediately miss him and want his rollie pollie body back in my arms.
Carter has done something to me. I think about it often, but until this moment, have never understood completely what that change exactly is. When Sadie was born, she changed me – big time. I turned into a mother. I rapidly emerged myself into the role of what mother was. I happily lost touch of my pre-parent self and submerged myself into being Sadie’s provider and nurturer. Literally everything I did or thought of in life had something to do with Sadie. I love being her mom and really loved transforming into this all powerful, force to be reckon with, mommy. But then Carter came around. And my guard instantly went down. I became… relaxed. I felt so much less stressed out about parenting now, even though I was now doing it for two. I felt like, oh they are my kids and I’m here to love them unconditionally and lead them in the right direction, but let me just watch from a distance to see how this pans out. A far cry from how I was just a month before. I also started noticing that my interest in my own personal unique things was back. Like I actually cared about listening to music that made me want to dance. I want to dress with a hint of my own style rather than just throw on anything. I immediately locked down a babysitter for weekend day dates with husband. Because I really need that awesome special time with him. Things in me just changed. I became more me. More of the me I was before being mom, if that makes sense. Carter awoke some sort of independence and confidence in me that had been lurking in the shadows for years. Weird, right?
He makes me happy. He makes Devin happy. He makes Sadie happy. This kid is seriously just all awesome and sweet packed into a chubby little body. Carter loves his daddy so much. He wants to be a man so bad. You can see it on his face. He stares at Devin everywhere he goes- smiling, smirking, laughing. He’s so intense on knowing where dad is and what he’s doing. When dad gets close enough best believe Carter’s hands are all up in that beard grabbing on for dear life and pulling Devin’s face into his own and just slobbering all over it. He is so smitten with his Daddy.
Ah. And this sibling relationship. I couldn’t dream up a better pair. She shares some of her most prized possessions with him willingly. And he studies her every move with delight. His legs and arms kick and shake when she comes into his view. And he squeals in delight with every word she says. I melt.
Carter eats solids like a champ. He loves food. He doesn’t crawl yet, but he is a master of the roll. He can roll around the entire house from room to room exploring as he wishes. He’s soooo close to sitting up, but not quite there yet. Sitting up is my favorite milestone, so I am anxiously awaiting for its achievement.
I’ve sleep trained Carter, in a way. He’s a good sleeper. I can’t complain too much. I still have some work to do to get him sleeping even better, but as it is now, he is pretty solid. And I feel rested most days. Carter seems to be very interested is sound. He loves music or things that make noise. He likes watching people talk. He’s also been getting better about riding in the car, thank god. I don’t have to give myself a pep talk every time I strap him into his car seat anymore.
When I think about my journey with Carter, how it all started. So much sorrow. So much pain. I have things I want to say that I felt back then during the pregnancy that I am literally too embarrassed to repeat now that he’s here. I love him so damn much. This love I can feel. It comes from a deep warm place in my heart. I feel it stretch out and wrap itself around my body and hold me tight. I can physically feel my love for him. And it grows with every day. After my miscarriage of his twin my loving family would tell me… just you wait – he’ll be twice the love just because of it. I truly believe he is. He is my destiny. We were meant to have our Carter in our lives. That, I am sure of.